When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Randomize
