i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
