Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
it's great music for shaving your balls
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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