Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
