if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
