new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
