Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
