My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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