I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
