I met the friendliest cop last night
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
