I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
As shirtless as possible
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
