There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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