saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
