who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
