My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just tell him i said nine months
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
A+ Viking dick
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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