My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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