didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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