he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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