my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
