Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
