everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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