Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
