My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
