Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
