martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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