did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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