i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
