2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
