I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
