Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
