Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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