dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
