Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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