just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
