Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
