I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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