imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
