Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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