My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
