Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
