I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
