and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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