She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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