He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
