When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
