She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
