They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
