Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
