I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I believe in your delicious
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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