My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
