worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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