i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
