my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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