im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Randomize
