I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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