Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
